On the shame-guilt cycle

i am still trying to accept the fact that there is nothing inherently wrong with me that makes me a problem. i can’t remember a time in life that I didn’t place that burden on myself. i don’t know why i gave myself that weight to carry or why, as stubborn as i am, i’ve allowed myself to carry it this long. maybe the only person i care enough to listen to is me, and i’ve condemned myself to the thoughts, beliefs and control of my mind.

i learned in therapy about something called a Shame-Guilt Cycle. i’m no mental health specialist, so i won’t try to over explain it. but, by acknowledging and learning about it, i’ve had to differentiate between shame and guilt. shame (what I tend to carry) is a feeling that something is wrong with me, while guilt is the anxiousness that sets in when i do something wrong. guilt dissipates when handled properly. shame grows when you think about it. i don’t know what i’ve carried with me for so long that has forced me to feel so much shame. what i do know, now, is that the shame i’ve carried all of these years is unfair to me. it’s affected the way i see myself, the way i love, and the way i handle things life throws my way.

i’ve spent a lot of time trying to prove that i can take accountability for any wrongdoing on my behalf. i hate seeing people hurt or having hardship because of me. i think i go too far the wrong way in trying to be responsible for what i put on God’s children. but i can’t forget that i’m one too. part of my journey is trusting that God is continually cleansing me of my bad choices and transgressions. i’ve been carrying my shame for so long. my heart is tired. i’m working to release that.

i think we all should.